poetry

my favorite poem would have to be fire and ice by Robert Frost....it talks about both the good and the bad in the world...and how we have to live and deal with both...there is no way to live with just the good parts... you have to take the bad along with it...the bad parts of life make us who we are...why we do what we do...why we act the way we act...

 Fire and Ice
Robert Frost
Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice

this poem is one i wrote...its no Robert Frost but i think its pretty good... i wrote it a while back in high school...the assignment was to write a poem about a topic without actually using the word...mine was on stars....this poem is actually published in the 2009 "a celebration of poets"...


stars
Danielle Jennings

Shining bright
Twinkling throughout the night
Inspiring wishes
And making them come true
Gazing up to the heavens
Wondering what to do
The troubles of life
Begin to fade
We get lost in the wonder
And greatness of it all
One small object
Inspiring us all
poems are about thier true feelings...sometimes they are discussed but if you read closely you can always tell...poems are the window to someones soul...i think that is why i like poems so much...sometimes they are inspiring...sometimes they just relate to how you are feeling yourself..sometimes its a bit of both...lets say you are depressed..there's gonna be a poem out there that says what you feel but gives you hope because you know that the writer got through it to...poems can make you feel however you want...you can take them however you want...poems are up to the reader...i think thats why i like poems...because even though someone else wrote it...inside it feels like they wrote it about you...

dreams...a second life???

I dream about Madison and Elijah every night...Its almost like I live one life during the day while I'm awake without them but I live a totally second life with them while I'm dreaming... its always upsetting waking up because after a few seconds i realize its all been a dream... these dreams are not bad nor good...its like a whole day...the dreams consist of what i would be doing that day  if they were here...Daniel and i look the same and act the same....its just what we would live like if we would have the twins...i never been able to say that i love dreaming until now...i cant wait to fall asleep so that i can see them again...the hardest part is waking up...it gets harder each morning...

I cannot explain how much i miss them....i cannot wait till i get to see them again...i know that we are nit ready yet....i know that financially we could not give them what they want...im sure we could qualify for aid but that would only cover the essentials...i firmly believe that we could not give our kids a life they deserve...when i am ready to have kids...and when i am ready to see them again i will gladly spoil them...but untill then...my dreams will have to do...

todays many thoughts

i am very torn on the topic of buying a scale... i am a recovered anorexic, but i still struggle with it...

that is the very reason i cant do it...although my anorexia's prime was in between my freshman and junior year...im still trying to fully recover...i deeply want to buy a scale because i still worry about my looks...in particular my weight... i just can never seem to be happy...but i know that if i ever bought one i would start to obsess all over again...i would pick a weight and not eat until i get there... it drives me nuts not knowing what i weigh...but i would know i could never handle owning one...

i hope that someday i can overcome all of this crap....i really don't want to struggle with this anymore...but every time stress comes around or i get overwhelmed...something in my head triggers and i just cant seem to eat anything...all food makes me nauseous...and i just cant seem to get anything in my mouth... i just don't know how to overcome all of this...

the reason for a blog

given by the name of my blog im sure you can figure out that im bipolar....this blog is to help me put my feeling into words...ive tried the whole journal thing...but its not for me...i always end up losing it or forgetting that i have it...and if i remember that i have it i have no idea where i put it...so i figure a blog would be best.... im not quite sure what i want to write about in particular but it will probably be about the twins i miscarried...but for today itll be christmas.... i really did have a good christmas...but i had a lot of trouble mentally this year...i had alot of trouble this year because of two major things...my grandmother and the twins that i miscarried last year...

first of all for those of you that dont know...in april 2008 my grandmother completely flipped out...im not really sure what caused this... but she completely disowned our family...she yelled and screamed and moved to michigan with her mother and sister...but for as long as i can remember she has hated the both of them...so its pretty confusing why she would move there,....but then again i have no idea why she flipped out either...a few months after that she told my uncle that in her mind she never had kids and she never had grand kids...and i just couldn't believe that...because for almost seventeen years..me and my siblings were her everything...she spoiled us like you wouldnt believe...so in 2009 when i got pregnant i wrote her a letter...i asked that she come to my wedding, and i told her i wanted her to be apart of my babys life...she flat out told me no...she didnt want anything to do with my kids or me...she didnt say that...but i knew thats what she meant...after that i tried to be angry...but deep down i want to forgive her...im just not ready yet... now back to Christmas...i remember her bringing three trash-bags full of presents...i mean the whole living room would be full...she always made a huge deal about it...and i really miss that....not the presents but her just being there...for weeks leading up to Christmas this year i would go to the mailbox hoping for a Christmas card from her...i kept telling myself not to expect anything...but i really wanted her to prove me wrong...needless to say i was right...a letter never came...

the twins were even harder to deal with...last year wasnt as bad because i knew that even if i hadn't miscarried, i would still have another month before they were born...but this year i couldn't stop thinking about what it would have been like...what i would have gotten them...if they would be excited...of if they would just play with the boxes and paper...i thought about wrapping Madison's gifts in pink princess paper and Elijah's in blue boys paper...i had this whole senairo in my head...but all in all it was just a day dream...i miss them so much...i think about them everyday...daniel has this mindset that we will see them again when we decide we are ready for kids...he thinks about it that way and it helps...i try that to and i mean it has helped alot...but i still wish i didnt have to wait to see them again...i dream about them every night...and until i see them again that will just have to do...

this year me and Daniel spent the night at my parents house and slept on the couch...bekah and Luke slept out in the living room with us...and at one o'clock in the morning Luke woke up and saw that Santa came...he was so excited he woke up bekah and was shacking with excitement...we made him go back to sleep but it was the cutest thing in the world... seeing bekah and Luke Christmas morning helped me deal with the fact that Madison and Elijah weren't there